There are still 4 presidential candidates for 2009. Allow me to break down the candidates and explain to you why each one of them needs to get back in the weight room. At the end, I would like to introduce you to my surprise independent candidate; the only player you can really count on to save the day.
- John McCain, who will probably keep us in Iraq for eternity, thus killing off thousands more Americans, burning many more billions of ‘government’ dollars, and sinking the economy into a deep recession by 2010. I mean, it doesn’t make him look good when everyone knows he would make American women suffer by staffing his offices with pro-life Nazis.
Maybe he could improve his appearance and popularity by following a couple conditioning tips here on Project Swole. He’s getting older, and could probably firm up that face with a couple High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT) sessions each week. I would also recommend some resistance training with free weights twice per week to help increase bone density.
- Barack Obama, who embodies a 21st century theme of calm and collected unity, needs to add some girth to those arms. Sure, he’ll bring home the troops and the $12 billion a month spent in Iraq. Yeah, he’ll do teens and single women a favor by supporting pro-choice initiatives. It is great that he would prefer to eliminate tax cuts for people that don’t need them.
One question stil remains: what happens if a child is stuck under a Volkswagen Bug? Barack won’t be saving anyone with those puny arms and legs. I recommend training heavy for 6 solid months to build a solid core of strength and muscle. Then switch to a bit of bodybuilding so that he’ll really fill out his suit just in time to be sworn into office.
- Ron Paul, who is the ultimate conservative, hopes to put an end to all this overly involved international foreign policy. You’ve got to hand it to Ron for putting emphasis on fixing the massive budget deficit and for acknowledging the absurdity of today’s drug laws, especially when it comes to marijuana.
However, all this talk about going back to the constitution surely doesn’t help to hide his age. I recommend for Mr. Paul to embrace a modern training philosophy; 6 months of kickboxing and conditioning drills to really sweat out the toxins and give him a more youthful appearance, then another 6 months of total body training with 10-12 rep sets in order stack some muscle on that spindly frame.
- Hillary Clinton, who is the penultimate advocate of human rights, would definitely try to make life easier on the average American. Her support of pro-choice legislature is favorable, as is her plan to reverse some of the acts that Bush put into place, which only serve to drive more money to corporations and less to the people.
Hillary’s physical condition appears similarly favorable. She is not terribly out of shape, nor is she aging drastically. What I would probably recommend for Hillary, is to get that body into kickin’ shape for the coming years with some intense free weight circuit training. Might as well strengthen those bones and muscles now and as an added benefit, Slick Willie will probably accept fewer ‘gifts’ from female peers if he has a bangin’ body laying next to him at night.
- Mighty Mouse, who stops at nothing to save you when you are in trouble. When danger lurks you will hear his mighty cry, “Here I come to save the day!“, and you will know that all is right in the world. Where are you, oh mouse of steel? Gone you are from morning cartoons, gone you are from afternoon and weekend cartoons. I can’t even find you on the Cartoon Network on demand. What has happened to this mighty icon?
Mighty Mouse could flatten Iraq, find Osama, and in one day manufacture by hand enough BioFuel to last America for the next 10 years. This is the candidate that I think might need the most work in the gym, because if he wasn’t fat and lazy right now, would the coolest character in cartoon history not be plastered all over my daily TV stations? Unfortunately I can’t list him on the poll because he has yet to announce his candidacy. Maybe next time…
My original philosophy has been to vote Ron Paul, but lately I’ve been siding with Obama supporters. Let’s see how the rest of this race pans out before making any rash decisions.